Self-Esteem. This is a major problem of a lot of prisoners and dare I say the free world in general. I had not gotten any mail from the blog for a couple of weeks, and when I called the Editor to get some sympathy for my loss of my stuff, he said he had been really busy at work, and that something had to give, and that something was his writing to me.

Now I am not complaining at all, because despite his overloaded schedule he still manages to keep up the blog postings, and that is great. The point I am making is that when his letter with the blog comments and a few other blogs finally arrived on Friday, my spirits got a real boost.

This was not exactly an instant recognition, but as I walked the track at Rec from 5:00 PM to 6:30 PM with my friend Mike, we talked the whole time about lots of different subjects. OK, so maybe I did most of the talking, but the realization came to me about how more upbeat I was after having gotten the letter and the latest blog comments.

What I felt I had discovered specifically was that while I may have a lot more readers than the few who comment, it does not negate the value of the comments. In my prior life before incarceration, I was more likely to expect all to appreciate my talents and intelligence.

Although, as many a poster has pointed out, a lot of my posts are somewhat whiny, I have come to realize that not everyone will be enamored with my intelligence and personality. So I realize that now as long as some "get it", that is a good thing. Some might say that I have become more realistic, grounded, etc., or as I joke to my fellow inmates, I have lowered my expectations.

The real truth is I have improved my self-esteem. I can draw support from within. However I also fully understand the concept of no man is an island. So along with this improved self-esteem is a conviction to seek out those that can aid in my existence and supplement and assist with my journey.

This search has become more fine-tuned than in the past. I can clearly see how even within this prison, I have indeed developed a support system where some six to eight people, including staff and inmates, can give me a boost when I need it, and each can do so in a different way.

On the outside, there are ten to twelve people who each have lent some sort of support to me over my journey, and each of them has done so in different ways. Even my parents, who may have taken a bit of whining (OK, more than a bit) from me in this blog have consistently been supportive of me throughout this journey.

The trick is to find the level at which each person can fit into your needs and you into theirs. I am not talking about someone who can con people into doing things, but an ability to be open and truthful with yourself first about your needs and wants, and then seek out those persons that can fit in where needed.

One of the most damaging aspects of establishing a relationship, in my opinion, is pushing others to provide "support" that they are uncomfortable with. A real world example would be the response to this blog. Some have vented extreme anger towards me, while others have inquired about establishing a wish list for me on Amazon.com. In between those two extremes have been a whole bunch of other expressions of support. So the point is that given all the same information, people have responded in many different ways.

If I were to seek all of my sense of worth from only one particular post, I could feel incredibly low or incredibly high. But taken as a whole, and using my own internal strengths, I can move along life's road with a stronger and healthier sense of self. The fact that I notice the boost I get from the comments shows me that by expending the effort to commit my thoughts to paper along with the incredible effort of time the Editor gives me, I can get something, but not everything, back.

Life is not easy to be sure, and each of us has our own sets of bumps along the way. One must be careful not to put too much of one's own values on another's life. What might be a speed bump to you as you look at someone else's problem might be a twenty-foot deep crater to that person!

I think that when one can truly understand where the other person is at and then respond with what you can do to help, that is when life will begin to move forward for both people. To carry the speed bump/crater analogy further, if even after listening you still feel the person's problem is only a speed bump, but it is clearly not how the person sees it, you might offer a "piece of the puzzle" needed to lift that person up.

So now if one can find a few more pieces, then all of a sudden the crater gets filled and life moves on. Life stalls when one person continues to tell the person that the crater is only a speed bump and I will give you the push to get over it, but meanwhile the person still feels like he or she is looking down at a huge crater.

One does not have to be the sole fixer of another's problems. I put forth the idea that by allowing the person to see the problem his or her way, but offering your response based on your ability to assist at that time; this will only serve to benefit both individuals in the long run.

This does not preclude the fact that on occasion one might still vent that nobody understands him or her, or that no one is willing to help. But life to me must be one of steps. Each step that I made in a forward direction, no matter how large or how small, is a good step. Yes, I have learned things like moderation and patience. The fact is that instant gratification is not always possible, and that is also sometimes a good thing!
  ¶ 10:16 AM