Prison Pete
Friday, January 07, 2005
Reply to the Editor about "feeling used."
Well, I got your "feeling used" letter yesterday. Great, I am locked in a cage with no comfort food and you are pissed at me. Hmm, the last time you dropped some negative waves my way it was during one of Club Fed's famous fog lock downs.
I finally got my commissary order today, so I now have pen and paper to write with, but I put down three envelopes on the sheet but only put 45¢ on the price, so no envelopes for me till Tuesday. I am going to try and borrow one envelope today so I can mail this out tonight, but I am not sure if I can get one.
I have had lots of time to think on your letter since sleep was difficult last night. As of now at 9:00 AM, MTV is on the TV playing loudly. They do not have BET, but MTV has enough rap to drive one around the bend! Last night over two hours of MTV and then two hours of wrestling! There is no way to hide from the noise. They crank up the volume and then talk even louder over it.
I was mysteriously switched from a more mature type cell block to my current location which has many twenty-something’s, and they are all here for getting in fights. This is rather disturbing.
One of the other cells, not next to mine, has had coffee, milk, and other debris tossed in his cell every day. Today he complained to the sergeant as he made his rounds and was told "Tough luck, everyone has to get along!"
The point is for the last eight days I have lived in a 6’ x 7’ cage without any comforts save a few books. They let five cells out for three hours at a time.
Now I am not asking for your pity. Prison has broken me of the "poor me" bit. But I am working on telling you how you are not being "used."
I know from your recent letters and our phone talks that life has been piling a lot of stuff on you. This is not to say your feelings about me are unjustified or your regrets of all the effort you have put into the blog is not true. They are.
But I would like to think we have moved much further. I think we have developed a very deep friendship. I have shared with you not to entertain you or gross you out but in hopes that we can continue to understand each other and how each of us has dealt with what life has dealt us and how we have dealt with it.
As I have said many times, one thing I have "learned" in prison is that for me at least, life is not a series of compartments but one long continuum where each piece of my life affects and causes further actions on the rest of my life. As we have both agreed, we have shared our thoughts with each other and that has no value assigned. It is indeed priceless, for me anyhow, because I realize that it requires a lot of trust on my side to share stuff with you.
What do I trust you to do (or not do)? Well, what I am saying is this: trust does not preclude you from saying hold it, I do not want to go there, etc. But I trust in sharing with you each "event" or "issue" is taken as part of the whole me.
I have also learned a lot about allowing people to do what they want when it comes to doing things for me. By this, I might not agree with the process that someone takes to do something for me, but just like lending money, once it leaves my control it is up to others to do it their way.
So you did exactly what your initial concerns with the blog were, dived in hook, line, and sinker. I thought it would be a much smaller project, but you managed to really make it fly. I have told several people about all your efforts and how honored I was to have you as a friend. This is also echoed by many of the posts on the blog, so you are due all praise and glory for your work.
You have said before that I am a captive audience. This is true. On more than one occasion you have dumped your problems on me and I thought I was a good listener and responded to your woes with positivity and understanding.
True, at this time I do have few financial resources to share with you, but I have spent a lot of time writing to you and while some of my writing is not of much use or quality, hopefully most of what I write has meant something to you.
I finally got my commissary order today, so I now have pen and paper to write with, but I put down three envelopes on the sheet but only put 45¢ on the price, so no envelopes for me till Tuesday. I am going to try and borrow one envelope today so I can mail this out tonight, but I am not sure if I can get one.
I have had lots of time to think on your letter since sleep was difficult last night. As of now at 9:00 AM, MTV is on the TV playing loudly. They do not have BET, but MTV has enough rap to drive one around the bend! Last night over two hours of MTV and then two hours of wrestling! There is no way to hide from the noise. They crank up the volume and then talk even louder over it.
I was mysteriously switched from a more mature type cell block to my current location which has many twenty-something’s, and they are all here for getting in fights. This is rather disturbing.
One of the other cells, not next to mine, has had coffee, milk, and other debris tossed in his cell every day. Today he complained to the sergeant as he made his rounds and was told "Tough luck, everyone has to get along!"
The point is for the last eight days I have lived in a 6’ x 7’ cage without any comforts save a few books. They let five cells out for three hours at a time.
Now I am not asking for your pity. Prison has broken me of the "poor me" bit. But I am working on telling you how you are not being "used."
I know from your recent letters and our phone talks that life has been piling a lot of stuff on you. This is not to say your feelings about me are unjustified or your regrets of all the effort you have put into the blog is not true. They are.
But I would like to think we have moved much further. I think we have developed a very deep friendship. I have shared with you not to entertain you or gross you out but in hopes that we can continue to understand each other and how each of us has dealt with what life has dealt us and how we have dealt with it.
As I have said many times, one thing I have "learned" in prison is that for me at least, life is not a series of compartments but one long continuum where each piece of my life affects and causes further actions on the rest of my life. As we have both agreed, we have shared our thoughts with each other and that has no value assigned. It is indeed priceless, for me anyhow, because I realize that it requires a lot of trust on my side to share stuff with you.
What do I trust you to do (or not do)? Well, what I am saying is this: trust does not preclude you from saying hold it, I do not want to go there, etc. But I trust in sharing with you each "event" or "issue" is taken as part of the whole me.
I have also learned a lot about allowing people to do what they want when it comes to doing things for me. By this, I might not agree with the process that someone takes to do something for me, but just like lending money, once it leaves my control it is up to others to do it their way.
So you did exactly what your initial concerns with the blog were, dived in hook, line, and sinker. I thought it would be a much smaller project, but you managed to really make it fly. I have told several people about all your efforts and how honored I was to have you as a friend. This is also echoed by many of the posts on the blog, so you are due all praise and glory for your work.
You have said before that I am a captive audience. This is true. On more than one occasion you have dumped your problems on me and I thought I was a good listener and responded to your woes with positivity and understanding.
True, at this time I do have few financial resources to share with you, but I have spent a lot of time writing to you and while some of my writing is not of much use or quality, hopefully most of what I write has meant something to you.
Comments:
Hey Pete,
Ohhh your gona get a kick out of this!! I got the bomb dropped on me by this guy on my "cutewomenprisoners" message board(open Yahoo discussion board in case ur wondering).He says he is w/ some association called the "Nat. Jud. Review"....I happened to mention the word "Club Fed"(will go back and copy/paste for you,the conversation...Anyways,he totally went beserk that I mentioned the word "Club Fed"!! Of course the other members on the board backed me in that he was just an angry ol man looking to pick on someone....lol...But I've seen you use the term? What is your opinion on this? And what the heck is National Judicial Review about?
You KNOW I personally know that the loss of freedom is DEVASTATING,not to mention what you have to endure inside the walls,whether it be state or fed.So please don't think I made it sound as tho you were vacationing....I just said there were different rules as far as what u can where when u initially go into the pen....but i simply said "I CAN ONLY SPEAK FOR THE STATE OF TEXAS"...This guy went nutso,when I said Club Fed...will copy/paste in a few.I was recently in a wreck...deer ran out in front of my car(broken neck,and in a body thingy from my forehead to waste,shattered left arm needing pins put in soon),and daaaannng I'm in so much pain...but will pick up where I left off later,K?
Pete,ur totally cool.I love ur site!!! Plzz....keep em coming!
Ohhh your gona get a kick out of this!! I got the bomb dropped on me by this guy on my "cutewomenprisoners" message board(open Yahoo discussion board in case ur wondering).He says he is w/ some association called the "Nat. Jud. Review"....I happened to mention the word "Club Fed"(will go back and copy/paste for you,the conversation...Anyways,he totally went beserk that I mentioned the word "Club Fed"!! Of course the other members on the board backed me in that he was just an angry ol man looking to pick on someone....lol...But I've seen you use the term? What is your opinion on this? And what the heck is National Judicial Review about?
You KNOW I personally know that the loss of freedom is DEVASTATING,not to mention what you have to endure inside the walls,whether it be state or fed.So please don't think I made it sound as tho you were vacationing....I just said there were different rules as far as what u can where when u initially go into the pen....but i simply said "I CAN ONLY SPEAK FOR THE STATE OF TEXAS"...This guy went nutso,when I said Club Fed...will copy/paste in a few.I was recently in a wreck...deer ran out in front of my car(broken neck,and in a body thingy from my forehead to waste,shattered left arm needing pins put in soon),and daaaannng I'm in so much pain...but will pick up where I left off later,K?
Pete,ur totally cool.I love ur site!!! Plzz....keep em coming!
I have said this before dear Editor. I feel that you are being used for his idea of self importance and you dear Sir are an enabler. Its ok to tell him (Pete) no. Its ok for you to be selfish and take care of you and yours. You apparently have quite a few problems that are lurking in your personal life due to taking on this project. I know that you have asked a few for some help. Reading the tone of his letters he is trying to place guilt you. Even though he states that he is not. I read it loud and clear. Family first dear Editor. The blog can wait - reading about his need for mackerel and diet coke isnt that important.
Hi Nelle Belle,
I agree with everything you say. Six months or so ago when he originally proposed the idea of the blog, I first said no, and sometimes I wish I had stuck to this answer, but later I reconsidered because it sounded like it might be fun. I will say that I have enjoyed the blog (and still do) but it is an incredible amount of work and I just don't have the time for it any more and I cannot keep up with the volume of his writing. As you can probably tell, Pete is the type of person who will keep asking for more and more and I let myself get sucked into this and I suffered for it. Incredibly to me, even after telling him I feel used, he has asked me to do even more things for him! I have usually ignored these requests but lately I have started pushing back and saying no. I should have done this a long time ago. He knows he is not in a position to push me too hard lest I just ignore him completely. As for the blog, it is more manageable with typing help that several readers have generously offered, but the editing still takes a lot of time. If he sent one letter per week I could handle it, but three or four letters per week and I am overwhelmed. This is what caused me to say I was feeling used. But here I am late at night working on the blog again instead of doing something else that needs to be done! Eventually I think I will get over my obsession with the blog or I will get bored and I'll stop, and Pete and I will go back to simply writing to each other as we have for many years.
- Editor
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I agree with everything you say. Six months or so ago when he originally proposed the idea of the blog, I first said no, and sometimes I wish I had stuck to this answer, but later I reconsidered because it sounded like it might be fun. I will say that I have enjoyed the blog (and still do) but it is an incredible amount of work and I just don't have the time for it any more and I cannot keep up with the volume of his writing. As you can probably tell, Pete is the type of person who will keep asking for more and more and I let myself get sucked into this and I suffered for it. Incredibly to me, even after telling him I feel used, he has asked me to do even more things for him! I have usually ignored these requests but lately I have started pushing back and saying no. I should have done this a long time ago. He knows he is not in a position to push me too hard lest I just ignore him completely. As for the blog, it is more manageable with typing help that several readers have generously offered, but the editing still takes a lot of time. If he sent one letter per week I could handle it, but three or four letters per week and I am overwhelmed. This is what caused me to say I was feeling used. But here I am late at night working on the blog again instead of doing something else that needs to be done! Eventually I think I will get over my obsession with the blog or I will get bored and I'll stop, and Pete and I will go back to simply writing to each other as we have for many years.
- Editor
