Well I took off from the writing on Friday and spent Saturday working on the letter to the courts.
I also wrote a three page letter to Mom and Dad, asking them to order the clear hot pot, and a radio/tape player. It is looking like I am going to be here in this barren place for a while.
I wish we could meet face to face and be able to talk freely but the depth and strength of our friendship has been the amount of effort we have put into it. I was thinking of the times I would call you on the phone, and there would be a silence for a few seconds, while we both seemed to be waiting for the other to talk first.
This conflicts with copious words that flow freely on all the letters we have written to each other. It is the things we both complain about that actually provides the strength to our relationship. We had many a chance over the years BP (before prison) and we would talk a bit, maybe do a lunch or two, and then off we would go our separate ways.
I think there are a lot of reasons for the difference now, and I think it would be simplistic to say it is just because I am in prison. Things would be different, not easier, if I was not in prison. Once I get out, our relationship will change, and I am hopeful that the "work" we have done up to this point will allow us to continue to grow.
It is certainly easier not to talk about the emotional energy both of us have expended in this relationship. Even if we had been in contact more frequently (BP), would that have had us having some of the in depth "discussions" we have had in our letters. Even given all the letters we have written, there are still questions to each other we skim over.
I would like to take a shot at writing out some thoughts about what you might do to change your relationship with your wife.
I am going to attempt to work through some of the emotional "stuff" that we have kicked around and see if maybe it can be of some help to your relationship with her. While my only view of her is through your eyes, using rule number one, that you can not change another person, this is a moot point.
In all seriousness, what I am working with is not fixing your wife, (although sometimes a Stepford Wife
might be nice to have around!) but show you what you might do to change the way you relate to her.
I am taking on this subject with a couple of different motives, that in the interest of full disclosure I will toss them out at the start. I think that in mentioning them you might see that I have given this matter a lot of thought. Please feel free to correct or question any assumptions or statements I make. There is a third option; you can ignore any or all of it. I will actually consider this a third thread in my writings to you. The first being my letters to you, the second being the posts, and this, which for lack of a better title, we will call mail-order pop psych 101.
I think I know it all. Actually I am aware that I do know a lot stuff. In the past, I would assume I knew it all and everyone had better listen. Now I am more likely to only on pontificate on selected subjects.
I am not as arrogant, knowing that even if I am right, the other person has the right to ignore my words. I have little opportunity to try out the wealth of knowledge I have acquired through my readings, therapy and long, hard looks at my past relationships. I do realize that even the traits that I think she has are only based on your telling me. They are still emotions I am quite familiar with.
You mention that perhaps your wife might be looking for you to pay more (or different) attention to her. Here I think is where computer programming is a major factor in inhibiting the otherwise challenged male to be further pushed away from being able to take a stab at what the hell is going on.
To explain my programming analogy further, we know when the computer needs our attention, it tells us. Unlike members of the opposite sex, it gives us a good idea of where the problem is, so we can fix it. Even if we do not "fix" it on the first try, it does not usually get angrier at each failed attempt, as a matter of fact it usually stays at the same level no matter how many attempts it takes us to get to the source of the problem.
I am sure you have tried on more than one occasion to soothe her feelings only to have her get angrier. Yes, if only she behaved like a computer program, and would simply say no that is not the problem, try again. If you try to ask for a clue as to what is wrong, you are often met with even more whining.
We are actually having a security issue at this moment, my first since being here. At Club Fed we would be locked in our cells, here we must sit on our bunks and be quiet. It certainly does not take much to have two guys at each other's throats.
In this case it was one of the smarter guys, Harrison, who was "looking out" for one of the mental midgets, Perkins, going after Perkins. Actually it started with a third party, Alexander, doing some verbal judo on Perkins. It escalated from there. Harrison became embarrassed that Perkins was being an idiot, something that is usually S.O.P. for Perkins.
Rule number one: It does not pay to help those less fortunate, specifically those whose elevator does not make it to the top floor. I am not sure how long we are going to have to stay on our bunks. I am going to mail this to you and then will type it tomorrow [which is being done now] and probably elaborate on how the "fight" broke out.
The funny thing is how several inmates held back Harrison from lending a punch on Perkins, hoping to keep Harrison from getting in trouble. This is different than the Club Fed, where most of the time the fighters were on their own. The fact that we have so many ex-cops and ex-correction officers may have a bearing on this phenomenon.
This did show how it would not take much for all those helpful people to become involved in an all-out melee with each other. The amount of excess testosterone flowing around here is amazing and dangerous. I am hoping to capture as much of the "live" stuff by writing it out, and the fact that I send it to you will assure me of typing it up tomorrow.
At this point they have removed the two inmates and I assume they are checking if any other inmates should be removed.
No actual contact was made as far as I could see. Usually fists would have been flying a lot sooner. T think that a lot of the better-off guys seem to feed off the ego trip of having the less wealthy and less smart at their beck and call. When said "underling" bites the hand that feeds him, the outrage is very strong and can become quite vicious. Usually, around here it is mostly words; tonight was the first time I have seen it come close to blows.
They are doing the 9:45 count now. The have started to pack out Harrison's locker. Not sure if Perkins is going too. I would assume so.
Managed to get my legal pad out of my locker, I am not sure how much I will write but as long as it gets into the mail box by 6:00 AM Monday it will get out okay. It is too late now to do any more typing (10:00 PM).
Strange they just brought back Perkins, the mental midget. If they leave him in here, there is sure to be trouble. [Someone did pour some water and other solids over his blankets and mattress this morning. They had to get him a new mattress.] They have cleared the count and we are allowed to be mobile. Going to go and take a piss and see what the pulse of the place. Stand by for further bulletins.
It is 11:00 PM, lights out. I was as bad as everyone else and spent the last hour talking with Tom and Bill, the other Top Bunkers.
Perkins is still here. Normally he would have been pounded by now. I do think tomorrow will find a few of the instigative inmates trying to throw some gas on the fire. [See previous bracketed comment, I was right.]
That is it for now; let me get back to the original subject of this letter. Arm-chair psych 101.
Love Line is now talking to a twelve-year-old with size D breasts. Yeah, medical show my ass. Of course who is to say that it is the truth?