This bounces around a bit,
and the following was written out before dinner.
It is okay to look at a whole person, acknowledge some parts may not be exactly to your liking, but on the whole the person is still some one you can relate to on a consistent basis. The thing that drives me crazy and so common in prison, is consistently talking about how somebody drives you crazy and yet you spend all
The thing is the refusing to do anything about it part. I am fairly sure I told you how Frank drove me crazy with his controlling ways.
The Sunday Times arrived today, and I offered the Book Review section to him, which he took. But I have basically refused to allow him to control my actions, listening to his long winded explanations of simple questions or his lame attempt at humor by giving out bogus information or his pointing out "faults" that he is the guilty of.
He tried to offer me his half-eaten spaghetti yesterday, which I turned down. I had said "here is the hardest working inmate here" to one of my neighbors yesterday. He was helping with the commissary and had carried my two cases of soda back. Frank made an attempt to make my comment apply to him by saying, "
Keep my name out of your conversation." I shot back, "Don't worry, your name was not part of the conversation!"
In the past I would put up with whatever Frank dished out, because I wanted to be his friend, even in here while it was nice to be included in the meals, I made sure I carried my weight to be sure I was not beholden to anyone.
When these types of relationships would happen in my younger years, and I would tell my mom how this or that person really did not like me, she would always tell me, "
No, they do like you."
I still give Frank the Book review, and feel free to correct him when he oversteps the boundaries I have set up for that relationship. He constantly berates my bunkmate, and treats him like his personal houseboy, and I can do nothing about that. In the past that would very much have been me. The power I have without resorting to violence or nastiness of any kind, is in itself uplifting.
I have an inability to communicate my wants and needs to those around us in a way that they can then meet those needs and wants. I think you will agree that I have been able to communicate what I would like you to so for me. Still based on some of the comments from the blog, it appears some things have not been as clear as I thought.
You also have been clear with what you like and do not like about my letter writing/friendship.
The key is that we must see a person as made up of a series of parts, and realize we can not change any of those parts, but can work on how we deal with those parts.
I am just going to dig right in to typing the handwritten letters.
Was your comment on sending you drafts about sending you these handwritten notes and then sending the typed copy? I do this for two reasons, the sooner I send you something, the sooner you get it. The second reason is that the incentive to follow through is greater once I send it to you.
There is a certain "honesty" that this late night writing brings out that I think is worth getting to you a.s.a.p. Lately I have found myself struggling with getting a rhythm [mental block on that word, how the hell you supposed to find it when you have no clue that the second letter is an 'h' and I am thinking vowel] on the typewriter and the finished product while certainly a tighter read, lacks some of the more candid comments.
For the last seven years I have eagerly waited to be called to visiting on my birthday. I knew my parents were not coming, but I still had the hope that they would surprise me just once. I was finally able to verbalize this wish/disappointment with one or two of the guys I walked with at Beckley.
One thing that came close was the package that came a few weeks back after not having heard from Mom and Dad for a while. This was after they had written there would be no extra food packages.
Does this make sense? Yes, it is selfish to want you to spend your valuable time on me. Having worked on being a little more patient, well good things do come to those that wait. Despite your claims of not being a people person and not knowing how to relate to me, you did. By the way, this does not mean you are not allowed to get pissed off at me when the need arises.
Yes the length of the letter was nice, but, it was not just the quantity, you covered the complete spectrum. There were i yams that applied mostly to you, stuff that applied to both of us, and finally items that were strictly for my benefit.
The good news is you do not have to worry where your next dollar is coming from. Money problems here adds another whole level of stress for me. Compulsive high achievers bring out the stress on ourselves and then turn to others to relieve our stress, without giving any clues as to how to help.
My asthma is letting me know that this is getting stressful.
Sometimes that may actually mean you let go of some ideas and try others. While my parents are still "tough cookies" on sending me actual money, they do not mind buying me books, food, and other things.
I purchased the "One Thousand Crossword Puzzles" book I had in the Feds. In order to prove I actually use the book, I am working my way through the book and sending the completed pages to Mom and Dad.
Also, instead of calling on the phone all excited about the "Your Own Worst Enemy" book, I took the extra time and sent them three and a half pages of excerpts. [I did cheat and send you the same pages.]
In both cases I am changing my behavior based on my perceptions of how my parents see me. It will take more than a few pages of puzzles and book excerpts to convince them their money is not being wasted. I am working on new ways to get my feelings across.
It is now 2;00 AM and most of the bed lights are off. I am going to mail this now in case I over sleep in the morning.
Hope your enjoy reading this, more to come.
