Prison Pete

Monday, September 12, 2005
  It just dawned on me,
8:15 PM, that if I did not get this letter started now, it would be Tuesday morning before the next mail goes out.

In typical Pete style I have been back sliding and accelerating down the slope.

I have only walked once in the last ten days, and as you noticed from your snail mail box, I have not been typing anything to you this week. On the one hand it is certainly a self fulfilling prophesy. If I stop operating at top speed, I will seek the least level of action.

No walking, no writing; what have I been doing? I have been working on a legal motion, and whenever that happens, there are two opposing forces at work. The positive side is the like the story of the little engine that could. I know that step by step the work will get done and that if I make the right arguments I might even get out of jail! Sounds simple.

The opposing force is the experienced, reality-based side that says, 'Hey why bother to get your hopes up, you know the court is going to deny everything anyhow.'

Unfortunately, my current environment provides few options for me to seek support and encouragement with this struggle. Intellectually I understand the emotional drain that is involved, but the lack of resources to recharge the batteries and get back into the work needed to complete this current motion is just not there.

This is actually an improvement for me. In the past I would not even be able (or honest enough some might say) to acknowledge that a problem exists. For now the two things that help a little are some additional Diet Cokes and some extra candy, and some mindless novel reading. The candy does not really work. I usually treat myself to a Hershey bar each evening, and this past Tuesday I added three extra bags of Peanut M&M's. I ate one pack yesterday, but I am now about to finish the third bag. The second one gave its life earlier this afternoon.

The other support 'system' actually works a little better and is not as fattening. I read. Usually at this time what works best is a light novel that reads quickly and requires little intellectual power. A Robert Parker "Spencer" novel or in this case a Jackie Collins novel.

Last night before I dove into a book, I did spend some time with the math cross-sums to seek some self-validation of my own brain power. You think you are smart, you type your best arguments for the court and that opposing force mentioned above creates the mountain of doubt not only about this particular step but all the steps before.

I hope some of the preceding makes sense.
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