Rainy Day Funk.
It is now Monday, August 22, and we have just finished the 5:25 PM count. I took the typewriter out around 5:00 and have just finished proofing pages one and two.
I am in a real funk. It was pouring rain around 8:30 AM this morning and even though it turned out to be a fast moving storm, I decided to use that as an excuse to stay in bed today. Since I am not allowed to be under the blankets, I used my coat to cover up and keep warm. Since it is not too warm out, the temperature in here is chilly. I did not bother to go to lunch and finally made a move to be in the upright position around 2:00 PM.
They finally delivered my state-issued boots today. They are apparently made by inmates. They are all black, weigh a ton and are too big. I will need to figure out a way to get some comfortable boots in here by the winter time or I will not be able to do much walking in the snow.
I need to go drop a book off at the library, and give back some legal papers that the law clerk asked me to read for him. It is about his own case. He is serving a five to fifteen year sentence, not sex related. He has received twenty-two Tier Two and seven Tier Three infractions while he has been incarcerated. Tier Three is the most severe infractions. In addition he served a total of 862 days in Special Housing, "The Box," for some of those infractions.
I will be back.
I am back. Luckily the inmate in the law library was busy helping another inmate so I said I would come back.
I am working on the emotional cloud I am currently surrounded by. I am aware of some real old habits rearing their ugly head. I certainly have plenty to do. Even stuff that would be considered intellectually challenging and stimulating, but I am not moving to attack those things.
I have read three Spencer hooks in the last week, and while I still have plenty to read of the books you have sent, I am at least honest enough to admit that what I need right now is partially met by reading the Spencer books. In other words, while there are still parts of my being that are behaving as they have for years,
I do have a better handle on how to deal with some of the feelings. I have resigned myself to not seeking too much emotional support from any of the other inmates here. While on the one hand that reeks of a rather elitist posturing, it also is correct in not seeking something where it is either not available or not helpful.
I still have plenty of the radio tapes to listen to if I wanted to just zone out. I can do some of the cross sums or crosswords for intellectual challenges, or read the NY Times for some current events updates. I guess it is a sign of some growth that I am working through the fog, even if in baby steps, as opposed to just giving up totally.