Prison Pete

Thursday, October 13, 2005
  What the Funk?
Time for some brutal honesty. Time to ask the tough questions.

I do not know about you, but I am tired of hearing (or seeing) myself talk about being in a funk. The result of this funk is that I do not feel like writing. I have used this lame excuse both for explaining a delay in writing to my pen pals and also in getting posts for this blog done.

I have not sent out any typed pages to my editor this past week (Sunday - Thursday). Yes I did send two short handwritten notes. Both notes promised not only that I would send a typed copy of the notes, but would send pages of blog posts.

So here it is Saturday morning (12:45 AM) and now the next chance for anything to get in the good old snail mail will be Monday morning.

[That is not even an issue since it is now Monday afternoon and I am just typing out the handwritten draft. It could have already been in the mail had I typed at any point Saturday or Sunday.]

This means the soonest this will reach my editor is Wednesday evening.

[For now Thursday evening.]

You are now asking yourself so where is the tough question? Here it is. Am I really in a funk (and what is a funk anyhow?) or am I just being L-A-Z-Y ?

LAZY? I have challenged myself to prove that I am not wimping out, claiming 'funkdom' as a justifiable excuse to not set out the typewriter and expend the energy needed: physical, emotional and intellectual; to produce coherent, insightful or maybe funny commentary for the blog. The same holds true for letters that I need to write to the various individuals that are kind enough to write to me from time to time.

Bottom Line: I realize that an honest appraisal if my actions (on non-actions) shows that instead of doing the writing I was spending my time engrossed in fictional books and ignoring the world. It turned out as I thought about this, that while it was certainly easier to lay prone on my bunk and read, I was not being honest with myself.

There were no physical barriers to me typing. I have all the materials needed. I have enough good food to eat so I cannot claim protein deprivation. I have plenty of things to write about. I had a great visit with my Mom and Dad last weekend, I lost a filling in one of my bottom molars, and I have the plethora of articles clipped from the New York Times. That is just some of what needs to be dealt with.

Honestly I have to admit I am just being lazy. I do not deserve any pity or 'poor Pete' comments. No, I failed yet again to use the challenges before me to strengthen my character as opposed to lying down on the job and wallowing in a pool of self pity. It has pissed me off. I knew I was sliding backwards, taking the easy way out.

The penalty for my laziness is the risk of losing some of the regular readers of my blog. My pen pals will get tired of not getting letters back, and all of a sudden I will wake up and find myself "alone" and wonder what has happened.

Hopefully it is not too late. I will write out some drafts and then buckle down and get them typed. Even though I did not type this post on Sunday as planned, but I need to allow for some stumbling along the way. To allow the delay to throw off the task is yet another way I too easily accept defeat and give up.

I have been taking Friday off since no mail goes out till Sunday night/Monday morning. Then on Saturday I would resolve to get all the typing done on Sunday and by the time Sunday comes along and I am overwhelmed by the self-imposed amount of 'stuff' that needs to be typed.

The other behavior is to keep muddling along the way I have on Friday and Saturday. Along comes 11 PM Sunday evening and the lights go out and three days has gone by without anything being typed.

So let the writing begin.
Pete.. You're depressed, not lazy! I suffer from depression, it runs in my family and it's no fun. I don't have the I'm going to kill myself sort, but the type that makes me feel useless and then feel guilty about it. You have one huge reason for being depressed and yet you don't allow it manipulate your existance. I admire you for that, for finding ways to keep yourself productive and expressing yourself creatively. If you have a few days of feeling funky, I think it's ok. Don't be so hard on yourself.
Pete, I totally agree with Summer on this one...take it from someone who knows (professionally)...you are fighting depression. And I also agree with Summer that you are fighting a good battle. You are continually pushing yourself to stay active, both physically and mentally, and doing what it takes to do more than just exist. Many in your same situation may have given up or succumbed to insanity (at least I think I might have) but you are stronger than that. And yet you give yourself very little credit. I believe it's okay to take a day off once in awhile...one day a week? I mean, even God rested on the seventh day. I, and many like me, enjoy your blog a great deal and hate to sign on to find that there is nothing new to read, BUT I think all of us will understand if once a week, you need some time to just "do your own thing" or be "LAZY" as you call it (which, by the way, is not always a bad thing!). I can't speak for all your readers, but I would rather know you were taking care of yourself and being "your own best friend" for a change and just let your readers deal with the occasional momentary twinge of disappointment...we won't go away just because of that! Besides, if the others are anything like me, one day of "no news from Pete" only heightens the anticipation for the next day! However, when 3, 4, or 5 days pass and there is no news from Pete....my inclination is to "worry"...."OMG!...I wonder if something terrible has happened to Pete!!" Especially with the possibility of your receiving news on your appeal soon....we are all sitting on the edge of our seats! So please don't leave us hanging too long but, yes, please do take a day off...it's okay to take care of yourself and put yourself first Pete...if you need permission (psychologically speaking) you now have it! "grin" Tammie p.s. Did I just write another book? Dang it!
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