I have been thinking about this letter
since I letter on Friday. I appreciate your openness. Sometimes that when life is handing you lemons, writing a letter to me at the same time, it seems issues seem to just cascade one right after another.
I am not saying that you dump on me, although there are usually one or two items that refer directly to me. Again I am not complaining. I do not want you to feel that you can not tell me exactly where you are at.
One of the questions I have is if some of my attempts to give relationship advice to you end up backfiring and cause you to concentrate on other negative things in your life and perhaps even aspects of our relationship that you are not comfortable with. I am not really sure if I am making myself clear but please bear with me through the rest of this letter and see if I can get all the tangled web of feelings I have out in a way that will make some sense to you.
First let me say only you know what you are willing to do. I can make various suggestions, and they are only that, based on what I think might be something worth trying, but by very definition, they are based on only my perception of what is going on in your life and my own experiences.
As one example of the differing perspectives we each bring to an issue, as of this coming March, it will be ten years, with the exception of two isolated events, that I have had any physical attention from a woman. I am excluding the few hugs from Mom and Dad on their visits.
The two isolated incidents were the last two hugs I received from Karen. Both occurred during my stay at the county jail prior to my sentencing for my federal charge. Since the rules of the jail would only allow visits from immediate family, Karen presented herself as my sister as opposed to my girlfriend. Visits took with prisoners fully separated from visitors and communication over phone handsets with the view of each other through a thick sheet of plate glass.
One time Karen had a couple of forms that required not only my signature but a notary. Karen had managed to get the jail to have me brought into an office where after I signed the forms, she asked the staff member if she could give me a hug.
The second time was when I had an asthma attack, was taken to the local hospital. As we (the sheriff deputy and I) were leaving the hospital at around 1:00 AM Karen asked the deputy if she could give me a hug. As we left the hospital parking lot, Karen was in front of us heading down the county road. The deputy commented that I had a nice looking sister, and was she married?
Okay, the emotional sores are now open. Damn.