Dealing with emotions.
It is now 5:45 PM and I will hopefully work on this letter to you right up until 10:00. I am not going to type a draft out first since we are dealing with emotions here and I want to be able to cover as much ground as possible. Life it seems would be really easy to deal with if we left emotion out.
Yes life would certainly be different without the emotions. While I would have hoped for some support from the home front with my current medical problems, such as practical things like some high protein foods and the flow of emotional concern through phone call and letters, but all I have been met with is silence.
I think I have done some good writing in the past about how prison affects my emotional state and it is my intention to again return to that kind of writing. Life lived with emotion and vigor is a constant balancing game. Certainly I have felt ignored by you from time to time, yet you have certainly been the greatest friend one could hope for while doing time. Another example for me is that while I am back in front of the computer, I am not able to devote any time to typing letters yet that would certainly be much easier (and cheaper) than using this typewriter.
Acknowledging that there is a finite amount of time, how do we know we are spending it the right way? One of the things my ex-wife use to complain about is how while we were living with my parents those first years of our marriage, I would always end up talking to my mom first when I came home from work before heading downstairs to our 'home.' And she was right to feel slighted!
I do not want to turn this into a poor Pete piece. I am wondering as the song says "Is That All There Is?" On this point I think we both have some common ground to cover. Am I doomed to a life of homeless shelters, poverty and loneliness? Are you never going to experience life as complete, a relationship that is based on mutual support and LOVE? You mention you are envious of other couples that seem happy, but perhaps there are other aspects of their relationship that would drive you to drink? Maybe not. It becomes a question of dealing with what we have, and what changes we can make and at what cost.
I am still confident that once I am able to have some type of access to a computer I will be able to earn a living where my background will not be an issue. I am not talking about even earning a lot of money, just enough to be able to support myself. I am serious about trying to rebuild a network of friends something I never really had before, but now with a much better understanding of who I am, I think I can be the kind of person others would like to get to know.
Can the blog help start this process? Certainly not the way I have been not writing lately. I have got to change that. Other then the current ribbon shortage the good news is that I have only myself to blame for lack of postings and I can also remedy that. Cool I have control of something in my life.
It is happening. I am losing desire to continue on this subject. It amazes me how much more aware of my emotions I am. The one drawback is the lack of options I have to handle the running down of the emotional batteries. No Internet to jump on to, no friend to call; I could stuff myself on the food in my locker, but I have been getting better at not pigging out. I do have plans to pig out a bit tomorrow. I brought an 8 oz pack of shredded mozzarella last Tuesday and will be making 6 - 8 English muffin pizzas in honor of my 52nd birthday.
Thanks again and again and again for being my friend.