Thoughts on sex, love, and relationships. I was thinking about the recent CO Mom post you sent me. I am not sure if it is true, and if so, I am not sure if it is something I would actually want. As I have hinted at, I have had more than my share of willing sex partners. Willing because I paid them for it. Plenty of blow jobs in the front seat of my car parked by the waterfront in Brooklyn.

Oh, I would cruise for just the right looking woman. Hey, I even had a few more than one time. I am not at all proud of it now, and I have not shared most of this with anyone before.

So sex, pure and simple, is available and I sort of question the difference between freebies and paid. Emotional, I now say not too different. Lots on the physical, not much on the emotional.

So now having been solo for eight-and-a-half years, I am looking forward to an emotional commitment. Why risk health for fifteen minutes or two hours or whatever.

I am not sure if I have said the following before, but here goes. Love is the key. But what does that mean?

Well, according to my readings, it becomes a question of how far you are willing to go. Can you give 99% in order to get 1% of hot, steamy, emotional sex? My thoughts come from the mismatch on the one hand having my ex willing to do anything, but when she did it, either it was not as good as I thought it would be, and hence she sensed my disappointment and would get pissed or worse, she would just get pissed at doing something she didn't not want to do.

So anyhow, the point I am approaching is if you can get your partner to be as close to 100% turned on as possible, you will have a better time in the long run! But hey, we guys only need five minutes on a good night.

From a male perspective, I was thinking along the lines of coming up with some more sensual (for her), less sexually-specific activities. List activities on index cards and let her pick a card, leave it on your pillow, and that is what you would do. I am thinking that maybe some times you might not even get "release." Make it about her, not you. This seems a lot clearer in my mind.

For example, maybe one night, candles and hot oil massage for her. Another might be washing her hair. This can be a real gift. Perhaps you might even offer to shave her. At one point, that was one way I babied my ex, shaving her pubic hair for several days, maybe once every three days. Use warm water, plenty of sharp razors and have some nice candles and music.

Maybe you could begin to allow her full control one night. You must lie on the bed and not touch! The point is one way to approach this might be to have the cards run the full gamut and allow her to choose. Or maybe set aside some "non-sex-next-time" and make out the cards together.

You might even put some "challenges" or barter system: if you do this or that specific task for her, she will let you pick from three cards of her initial choosing, so she still has some control.

Part of the issue I see in my reading is the "disconnect" we males have that sex is always a separate issue. For a lot of women it seems that on some emotional level they want sex to be part of the continuum of the daily existence. Yes, that may actually mask it, as sex becomes a chore or something you get from her, but the idea is to really try to find out where she is "at" and how you can take steps to move on from there.

I have found that my best self-satisfying moments of late are when I have been thinking of a sensual or romantic scenario on and off throughout the day. Sometimes I wonder if I might be slowing down with age, but given the right stimulation, multiple times a day is still possible. Since I do not get to look much at nudes, and certainly see no moving pictures (i.e. porn), all my stimulation is text or story based.

What I can see clearly now about myself in my past life is that I was always into an Okay-now-let's-have-sex mode. Yeah, sometimes, I would do something romantic, but honestly I would be more likely to not even think of what else is going on in her life.

So the key as I see it is trying to establish the continuum so that sex starts hours or maybe even days before she has to think about the messy part. One step might be surfing the Internet bookstores for erotic or sensual books. Be willing to explore together. How could either of you know what might work if you do not try? I am sort of brainstorming here.

Sex is definitely about power and a willingness to trust, and also to let go. An example of that is how my ex encouraged and almost demanded that I be vocal when I orgasmed! She kept encouraging me with specific instructions, a.k.a. cheerleading. Then afterwards she would give me a recap and score my performance in terms of past orgasms.

It got so that I would really yell, and yes, they were more intense. By comparison it makes my current lifestyle a real downer, since with rare exception one must relieve oneself here in relative quiet.

So assure your partner you are willing to let go, to trust her, to let her see the real you. Do this in a way that initially puts you at risk of looking foolish without embarrassing you.

So just because you think you want "X" at this point, unless she wants "X" too, it will not be as good as it can get. Sex is usually more plentiful when the relationship has few pressures, hence the difference before and after marriage, but if you follow that logic, handling the "problems" together, keeping to a program of resolution, well then maybe that could lead to more sex.

It seems that the best sensual, sexual, erotic times in my life have been when the woman I was with felt they were in control and actively involved and knew they were getting theirs. The women I met post-split from my wife were almost always based on my stated desire to provide oral sex till they cried Uncle! I know I gave at least one woman (with five kids) her first oral sex "O." Up to that point she had used vibrators to reach her peak. So again, be willing to go to the max for her. And the part I sucked at was I thought the sex was enough. But no, they want it all!

And as of now I can honestly see no better way to live life in the future. Yes, my ex was willing to go "places" she never went before, but I continually dropped the ball by not feeding all of her. Women are able to have it all connected. That is the secret weapon. It is not just about a set formula like bringing home flowers, complementing her on her cooking, and then jump in the sack! One must be willing to truly explore what makes someone tick.

Try listening to the call-in sex show on the Oxygen Network. I know it is on at 11:00 PM on Sundays, but I think it is on other times also. You would be surprised at the number of women who call in with what I would call "basic questions." Give a look and see if you get the same response.

Sometimes she might just be indirectly letting you know how "little" she feels. Most people would not think I suffered from low self-esteem when meeting me initially. Some of my computer business clients did see ways to exploit it, but it was my ex who continually tried to make me feel good about ME!

The point on that was I used this as an excuse to not grow into the relationship but preferred instead to run around behind her back. That does not work for either partner in the long run.

I was not sure how this letter would go, but I just reviewed parts of it and I think it is not too bad. I hope you find it at least readable and maybe of some interest.
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